The Undivided Heart

Hey everyone,
It's been a very long and fast-paced couple of weeks.
I was away in Pennsylvania between the 29th and 31st of May for a conference. It was amazing and overwhelming at the same time (those tend to go together). But there was no time to waste, and we drove through night and I was back in Ottawa by the 1st, only to go back to Toronto on the 3rd of June. From there it was classes from the 4th-7th, into my birthday and out into the morning of the 9th: back in Ottawa. With all the rush, I was happy to land back in Kansas. Between all of this, it was easy to feel divided by it all.

I think I got the question thrown at me once when I was back at Toronto this past week:

     "What in the world happened to your blog?"

Needless to say, I fumbled on the answer, because I really don't know either.

There has been this feeling of expectation, a sea of exasperation, a real washed-up sensation. It's odd, the way weight can weigh upon us. It's odd, I just looked up someone else's blog, because comparison is a demon we all run from. It's hard to write down definitively on where I'm at. It's like describing the arcs and angles of a wave - all the angles are different, all the angles their own. Feelings are each their own, like a dozen or so people in a ballroom, all clamoring to be heard; it's a wonder that we ever get out of bed; it's probably why sleeping in is a popular morning activity.

I think what's been very difficult about this time is this feeling that I'm not doing as much as I could be doing, or should be doing.

Divided could be the word of the last few weeks.

Divided between My Family and My Church Family,

                                                         Toronto and Ottawa, 

                                                                 Doctrine and Life,

                                                             Trusting and Letting Go,

                                                                      Idols and Jesus Christ,

                                                               Worship and the Show,

                                                            Holiness and a Knife,

                                                        Guyana and Ottawa,

Divided between The Sin in Me and the Rest of Me.

Divided could be the word of the last few weeks.

It's hard when there are so many things that have been going on. But at the same time, I know what I believe - it's about knowing it and reminding myself of it everyday. 

The Undivided Heart

I have been discouraged with where I am, but then I remember: He is the captain of salvation and with Him there is grace for the divided heart. 

There is room for grace within all the cracks, 

                                                       the breaks, 

                                                       the fissures, 

                                                       the crevices.

It's so hard, being divided - it's hard to feel like I'm not 'all here' for the Lord. And the clouds of legalism loom large over my horizons.
But He died on that cross. He loved us, His people, and He loves us still, from now till eternity. I love how Paul says this in Gal 2:20, that Christ loved him, personally him - Paul. I want to focus on that love, and remind myself that

His love isn't divided.

---------

I'll try to be more on top of things for the future posts!
Till the next time!